Subject: RE: TB Truths
Date: November 26, 2008 12:57:51 PM CST
Jeff, you are surpassing my expectations, you are in creative overdrive.
A very astute observation on your part, this wabbit ruse. I thought that Brad was merely being cagey, taking the verbal and literary beatings as he should. Based upon your viewpoint, I'm starting to think that he actually enjoys the verbal and written abuse he receives from his male friends, it nicely compliments the physical defilement that he receives at the hands (and other parts) of James.
Plumber, according to WordNet 2006, "A person who installs or repairs pipes". I do believe we now know what the "pipe" is and where it is installed. Good detective work, Hob ol' boy.
-----Original Message-----
From: je.howard@cox.net [mailto:je.howard@cox.net]
Sent: Wednesday, November 26, 2008 12:09 PM
To: Carson, Steve; Richard Carson; Blaine Bunch; Kenneth Yocum; Brad Rosenthal; Bunch, Blaine
Subject: TB Truths
So Celeste thinks you've been playing football with a "bunch of old men" for the past 23 years? Very interesting indeed. Let me think about this... 23 years ago you would have been 18. The only "old man" I can think of who was around back then would have been... wait for it... wait for it... yep, you guessed it... James.
So I think there, dear Bradley, you may have accidentally let the proverbial cat out of the bag. Your elaborately constructed house of cards has just fallen in on you. In the relative anonymity of an email correspondence, you have just made as we like to call it a big ol’ fat Freudian slip. You have unintentionally given us the key to unlock the great mystery of the “plumber”.
In fact I submit to you today that for the past 23 years, give or take, you’ve been playing a little game of flag, or should I say fag(?) football with the YESH man himself and his merry band of “friends”. And I suspect these old men have been pulling your flag with so much enthusiasm all these years that this annual game has surely degraded more than once into a little game of “touch” if you catch my drift!!
Now throughout this little piece of fiction you’ve tried to pass off as fact, you’ve made multiple allusions to support or reinforce you supposed heterosexuality, even going so far as to insert two images of scantily-clad vixens in hopes of throwing us off the true story. Well bravo for giving it the ol’ college try, but you came up just a little short there, and I don’t mean your “flag”. The truth shines as bright as your pasty a$$ must shine for your “old” football buddies when you’re about to “hike” the pigskin. Please not that even when speaking of sweating, you say in a “less gay” way, not non-gay, or even ungay way. Nope, even when trying to fend off suspicion you’re powerless to go against who you really are.
I do find it ironic (or maybe not?) you’ve chosen the plumber as a front for your illicit follies as the most endearing image of an American plumber is the slightly plump, mustachioed middle-aged man with black curly hair showing his butt crack when he’s bending over or kneeling under the sink. Would it be safe to assume you didn’t choose this image by happenstance or mere coincidence? I can almost see the two of you giggling like school girls at your own inside joke or thinking how many times you gave us the plumber excuse with the sweet irony of so many “laying pipe” and “plumber’s crack” jokes that would evoke.
I’m sure living this dual life must be exhausting, so for your own peace of mind and sanity I invite you to put down the mask and live life as your true authentic self. We’ll still love you, in a completely non-gay way. Otherwise you can keep up the ruse if you choose, but me thinks you doth protest too much.
Your heterosexual friend, Jeff
On 11/26/08 8:16 AM, "Bunch, Blaine"
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sent: Wednesday, November 26, 2008 8:05 AM
Subject:
Over the years many of you have asked me, “Brad...how is it that every year...you are unable to make the Turkey Bowl because of an unfortunate and untimely and amazingly coincidental plumbing emergency happening on Thanksgiving morn?”
Why the plumber?
The plumber is your friend. He stops your drips (much like a stout shot of penicillin) and relieves your leaks (you know...those things that you old men get up and do 10 times every night). But moreover if used correctly, he can facilitate an opportunity to sleep in on a cold morning. He can ward off multiple broken fingers, broken legs, sore muscles, contusions to the face, lost wedding rings and exposure to Chan. This man is truly a miracle worker.
All of the above listed attributes are helpful when picking a plumber. But as I have grown wiser through the years, I have found that having the right plumber on Thanksgiving morning isn’t important at all. The critical path is simply having a plumber; well a plumber and a plumbing emergency. There’s no real need to spend time doing research on a viable story, “Gosh, guys...my hot water tank just went out and we really need to get it fixed”. Stop worrying about whether there is a broken line or a simple leak, just tell all of the old men, trying to cling to there youth, being shown up by there children friends, “...plumbing problem...can’t make it this year.”
Is there anything truly persuasive about the Plumber?
This is a really tough question. So much of the answer has to do with, “when was the last time you had your nuts tightened?” In the case of the picture above, if you haven’t had them tightened in a while...sure go ahead. Mousey good looks can be very motivating in plumbing especially if she takes the time to extol the intricacies of how the particular Thanksgiving Day Plumbing Project requires “laying pipe”. [By the way, in the spirit of Uncle Barn, make your own kneepads joke now.]
What does Celeste think about all of the time you spend with the Plumber?
This is the touchy part...Celeste thinks every Thanksgiving morning for the past 23 years, I’ve been getting up and going to play football with a bunch of old men. In fact I have been spending my time with the plumber, my own special plumber. This year, when you see Celeste, make sure and tell her that I did a great job at the Turkey Bowl, I thin
You guys have a great time getting all hot and sweaty out of the field. I’ll be getting hot in sweaty in my own (less gay) way.
Brad (Space Captain Johnny)
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